But first, I can't believe it's been a year since this project began! I have been so excited for today to arrive. February 29th is Airy's birthday (leap year baby)! Happy 36th Birthday to my home!
Phase 1 (removal of all unwanted built-ins) and Phase 2 (of an undecided number) of renovating the Airstream are now both complete! I couldn't be more pleased! Phase 2 has been the largest, most challenging, and greatest reward of the entire process. I hired someone for the job because of the extent of the labor as well as my lack of knowledge. All of the subfloors have been replaced, walls patched and painted, new flooring installed, unforeseen leaks fixed. Luxurious iphonography visuals up next.. But first, I can't believe it's been a year since this project began! I have been so excited for today to arrive. February 29th is Airy's birthday (leap year baby)! Happy 36th Birthday to my home! What might Phase 3 entail? I'm planning on new furniture, updates in the kitchen/bathroom, and new lighting fixtures!
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Wretched, look at me, I've lost it When it comes to grieving, don't let anyone tell you how to use your emotions to heal. Do not sensor yourself; feel what you need to feel in that moment. Most importantly, allow yourself cry. Cry hard and don't silence yourself or stop. Be unapologetic about it. Crying exists for your comfort. When people ask you how you are, be honest with them. Tell them how you're actually doing. If you're not doing well, they will either tell you they are sorry (because they don't know how to respond) or they might offer you information which connects you to your healing. I'm usually the best at hiding my unwell emotions. I'm fairly private which is partly due to my job. I have to be in good emotional standing and focus on my client in order to connect with them. People come to me for good hair and to talk about their lives. In a sense, I've conditioned myself to not be overly open very often. Lately, I'm learning the importance of being more vulnerable and honest with my peers. In most scenarios, there's a balance to find. In this case, being too open can be exhausting for those who love you. Not being open enough causes loneliness. Thus, I'm working on my ability to lean on people when the time is right. This is after all, what humanity is for. This past week, I lost my Hali. She was my ride or die for 8 years. The best decision I ever made. And, one of the largest aspects of my 20s. I've known grief before. We lost our family pet after high school. I've lost friends, great grandparents, sentimental items, my brother-in-law. This grief.. has been different. It has left me completely vulnerable and desperate. People say losing a pet is like losing a family member. For them that may be true. For me, it's not LIKE anything. It IS losing a family member. I woke up to her every morning. When I got off work, she is who I looked forward to coming home to everyday. I fed her and provided for her needs and desires, like getting dirty outside, throwing a ball and playing tug of war with it, taking walks to sniff out bugs, watching squirrels together out the window, even giving her a companion for when I was working. In return she gave me love and joy. And, every night I kissed her goodnight. What we had filled me. I didn't have those things in another person as I'm not married and I don't have kids. The first day I met Hali, it was unexpected. I walked in a pet store and the first thing I saw.. 4 little Scottie ears staring at me! It was the first Scottie encounter since our family Scottie had passed. Caught off guard, I immediately left the store with tears only to return in a few days. I HAD to see them again and spent time melting over Hali for the first time. I hadn't planned on getting a dog. Sure, I thought about it occasionally but never seriously. I snapped a picture, and put her back down. My friend pointed out how she was sitting in the corner of the cage where I put her looking up whining ever since I put her down. From her view she couldn't see me. It was then I knew she was meant for me! As I had still been grieving the loss of our family Scottie, I wanted to name her something meaningful. "Halia" means "In remembrance of a loved one." She became Hali for short. She will forever be the best part of the last decade, especially her many hairdo's! This became our best friend song a few years ago! I leave you with it.. 2015 wasn't the kindest year and I'm glad it's over. It will go down as one of the most challenging years thus far. And yet, I'm overwhelmed by those of you who were there to support me and send a kind word. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of growth I have done as a person through the experiences. After looking back at my Notes app from the year, I decided to list a few excerpts in hopes that my experiences will inspire, encourage, or motive you through whatever you may be dealing with. Sometimes it's okay to get vulnerable. My red headed friend taught me that in 2015!
I fear being birthed from the same constellation does not constitute forever. How do you know love? When you wish with your gut you could feel their pain instead. So they don't have to. I miss you and I don't even know you. It's not perfect. It's not supposed to be. Living doesn't equate to happiness. Experiencing life in all of its forms including the most raw, vulnerable, and saddest moments.. that is living. People get too fixated on happiness but it's merely a facet of what life is. I just had the most amazing dream about you. It's been a while since you've shown up. I missed you, dear friend. Trying is an act. Acting is pretending. The most real relationships come from not trying, but doing. There's so much pressure to do and say the right thing..the right way. But, we aren't always right. Instead of trying and acting to be right, let's be unapologetic about who we are and build off of that. Be our rawest self living without the fear of losing one another. When you remove the "trying" you have love and acceptance left. And while you all sleep I'll be above you to see you Deciding is picking the lesser evils Most days I suffocate with thoughts. I'm an emotional massachist so I keep myself there. Can you just come along and make them all disappear? When reminising, I just want to forget all the BS. I live for humanity. Real, raw, organic human interaction. Live for people. I accidentally met you and now I'm ruined The more my heart is broken the harder it has been to find what I'm searching for. "Escaping is not the same as making it." Men base their value on having sex or not. They base women's value on being sexy or not. This reduces the opinion of women to sexual objects. Waking up is the opposite of dozing off Mistakes are part of the adventure! Time is not yours to make, my friend. Enemies are who you make them in your mind to be. Growing up sucks. I woke up this morning and my heart was hurting for anywhere but here. History and experiences effect your perception. In that moment, on the brink of turning 28, Swan Song was playing. I leaned over and pet her soft fur. I knew she loved me; she looked at me like she wanted me. And, for the first time, I felt like everything was going to be okay in our lives. -for Hali "Remember.. your heart is important. Don't judge people, you can't be free if you judge people. Love now! Be aware of love in every moment." While staring at the reflection of yesterday, I feel grateful for grace and the ability to forgive. Though, at times these things can nearly take a decade, beautiful things can be built beyond broken hearts. Nostalgia warms the soul, deep bonds with tiny fractions of humanity are a privilege to oblige, memories are stories for the future, lessons teach us to evolve and grow. People shouldn't be disposable. If they are, how will we ever learn to love? Some people just FILL YOUR SOUL. Your heart has to be in your face to understand it. Sometimes the love in our hearts just runs out. And that's not to say you have no love to give, but the nature of the love is altered. And there's no more passion in it, just a polite concern for a person you once would have died for. All I have is an apology for the discomfort of today. When pain turns to memory, let tragedy change you. NY is the only place I've ever felt normal. I was called volatile. And I took it as a compliment. Know yourself and own yourself! "Unfortunately, the reality is that you have to make a choice that will most likely alter your future significantly. That's a lot of pressure. I get it as I am at a crossroad myself. Every day you make a conscious decision to either go one direction or another or, like me, set up a tent and camp out in your indecision. The problem with the latter is that you are constantly fighting the urge to move forward with life. That creates a sense of panic and frustration. There is no real cure other than progression in spite of your fears." I think we mistake falling-hard for legitimacy. And that's why we find difficulty in detaching. Disguised memory from a reincarnated existence- maybe that's what deja vu is.. "...If you too have many interests, you are not flighty and noncommittal, you do not have problems with focusing, you are not directionless. You are excited, you are inspired and have passion. You are brilliant." The moment I knew my heart had been hardened by all they did to me- Protect yourself. Don't give your heart and energy so freely to people. Esp people who don't reciprocate or appreciate. The air.. this space.. closer to the stars.. is the only place that can get me far away from you. This is where happy lives in me. Two of the most profound character traits of a good human: Own your honesty Keep your word I should have ran that night. But I was weak the next day. I let you in. And eventually stay. You were a capsule of f***** up. You're going to be fine, Amber. She was built from your soul. A piece of you. She will continue to touch people through you. Don't underestimate your ability to impact others as you're still here with us. "You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that… Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.” The thing Tyler taught me: compassion for other people. Sometimes battles are finished by choice. The darkness within the battle can be suppressed so deeply that even the closest people are unaware. In that moment, fear of living precedes fear of death and prudence does not exist. Though empathy may never come, we mustn't live with ignorance. Ignorance deems it selfish and drowns in anger. Grace sees love surpassing ignorance, teaching solace towards the existence of diabolic warfare in a loved ones mind. And in some cases you have to learn to love at a distance. Pursue your core. If you think suicide is selfish, I think you're compassionless and judgmental. I feel like I was your sole happiness provider. That was a huge load to carry. If people disappoint you, keep loving them the way that you love. Expecting nothing in return. Learn and accept their ways of love. Especially when it's different. You're not invincible. High hopes over here for 2016. Six was always my favorite number anyway! Anything to add? Leave a comment, let's discuss :) Cheers! Amber I have to admit, initially I dealt with a lot of fear and apprehension when it came to renovating my Airstream. I've never taken on a project this large, and I don't know the first thing about it! I'm learning as I go. There has also been the fear of destroying something original. Would I regret it later? Progress slowed as I spent 2 weeks in California on vacation. I knocked off a few bucket list items, experienced some firsts, explored new parts of the west coast, and since the trip, I am forever changed. I discovered an empowering independence. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what motivated me. It could have been the whole experience, or it could have been the people I met. One instance in particular, I had a conversation with a person who has no idea the impact in which the simplicity of their words inspired and motivated me. It's important to cling to whatever may motivate you to become better. Even if it is the memory of a stranger. Suck it dry of all it's worth. It's important, though, to discern the time to let go and move on to other motivators. Otherwise, it will become your comfort and you will become stagnant. Growth can only happen when you're moving! While on a layover in DC and with my new found high, I was reminded of my initial dream for the Airstream. I left all that apprehension in DC! So, I developed a plan for renovation. The built-in twin beds had already been removed so that I could use my normal bed. Thus, I continued to remove all the built-ins I did not want. Then, I would be able to prep the walls for painting while replacing the sub flooring in the front and back. Painting the wall panels is going to make a huge difference in the feel of the camper which I'm excited about. Currently, I have removed the built-in couch, closet, wardrobe, side board, and dinette. I've also taken out some overhead storage, all the curtain tracks, spice/medicine cabinets, and sliding accordion doors. Guess what, NO REMORSE! Each piece that leaves the camper brightens my horizon a little more. Currently, I have stuff EVERYWHERE. It's driving me a little mad, but also serves to motivate me to hurry! I now understand why home renovations are so stressful. In addition, I have extremely limited space in the Airstream! I'm doing as much of the work myself as I can. Removing old crews is easy.. well sometimes they are too rusted for my muscles.. some of the pieces are too heavy for me to carry.. I'm not that great at removing rivets.. so I recruit in help! I love that the people who are willing to aid in this dream are becoming a part of the memory. This Airstream is telling a story and we are the characters. BYE BYE BUILT-INS!A few things I've learned while living in a camper full-time:If you don't like the neighbors, they will be gone by tomorrow or the next day. Most people aren't long term residents of campgrounds! In the Winter, keep jugs of water handy in case of a frozen water hose! Propane really isn't expensive. Keep muscles in tact for the heavy lifting during refills! Hot water conservation. Necessary with a 10 gallon hot water heater. (I will be replacing that!!) Organizational skills must be on point! Let the toilet water run longer than a normal flush. Be sure your friends/guests do the same. It can get messy otherwise. The importance of keeping up with laundry, dishes, and trash. There's just no room (literally small living space) for error on these types of things! Hoarding of any sort is bad news. Don't buy or keep anything "in case you want it later." Just don't. Some of these things may come naturally to you.. if so, HIGH 5! Lucky you! If you're thinking about renovating a camper, it's important to decide if you're going to do so while living in it too. I hadn't originally planned on it, but due to an unfortunate situation at the house I was renting, I decided it was best to go ahead and move into the camper while working on it. Because of this, I had to increase my purchase budget and look for an Airstream in livable condition. In my case, the upside is that some of the renovation work has already been done by the previous owner. If you're not going to live in it during renovation, you can get an older and less expensive camper and do an entire gut job building from the ground up. This type of labor is more expensive and complicated. Whichever route you may go, the end result will be the best result!
She left her home to chase the flames that burned within. R.S.Damico | The WanderersI live by two food categories referring to bread, carb-a-licious and carb-less. While carb-a-licious is self explanatory, carb-less is defined, "as few carbs as possible." I like my starches. Although I love them, I decided to try an experimental breakfast recipe that replaces the bread with a different ingredient. Pancakes! I really enjoyed the simplicity of this two ingredient recipe! Two eggs per one banana, blend, pour! In retrospect, I wish I had mashed the banana then pulsed the eggs into it lightly with the blender because I feel like it needed more substance. With it being runny, the pancakes came out flatter than I desired. Ah well, you live and you learn, right? I also suggest having a really good spatula on hand (which I didn't have). They are much more fragile than a regular pancake so the flipping process is a little trickier. If you like the idea of eating carb-less pancakes, you can get really creative with added ingredients like the vegetable protein pack I pictured. It adds flavor and keeps me fuller longer! Overall, I rate this experience an 8 out of 10. Which means, I recommend trying it out!
Coachella has been a bucket-list item for years! Back in January, my gal Kelly suggested we go. A little saving and planning and I found myself in the desert last weekend! If you follow my instagram you may have seen a few posts. I've never been to a music festival before. I'm now ruined and anxiously awaiting next year! A few observations post Coachella:Being at the front of the stage is overrated! 6 foot 5 men don't care that they just cut in front of you. Despite what the media portrays, it's not ALL about the fashion. 90% of the girls are trying REALLY hard to be the same person. Lame. Coachella is 100% glamorized by celebrities and they are only easy to spot on stage or in photographs online. Coachella Valley gives you dirty boogers and a tight chest. THAT's why those people are wearing the bandanas on their face... Coachella needs more originality in it's marketing. The cool stuff happens at weekend 1! Coachella is a holiday that unifies the population. It makes people jolly and you get loads of hugs and high-5's! HAPPY COACHELLA!I'm currently obsessed with yarn. There's a huge stash built up from purchases I've made.. simply because it looked pretty on the shelf. Luckily, when it comes to gift time, I can whip something up with it like I did for my niece and mom's birthday this past weekend! Being able to personalize the same gift for each person (age, gender, personality, etc) is my favorite part of gifting yarn projects. I customized USB cables for their iPhones. Both were meant to be used as car chargers. Jaycee:Brightly colored yarn to match a bubbly personality! She also got a special set of headphones. Mom:More sophisticated and "London Plaid" inspired. She has a blanket of this pattern in her car! The process:I have found this project to be time consuming, but it is really simple. It's a matter of looping the yarn or baker's twine around the cord keeping an even tension. It takes me about 45 minutes to compete one cord. If you're interested in ordering a customized USB cord, phone/computer charger, or headphones, contact me at the top of the page!It's hard to describe the type of bliss, peace, and happiness I feel about my new life chapter. Downsizing of possessions is a work in progress, every bit of furniture I have is in storage, and I bought a 1980 Airstream International! She's so beautiful! After searching for about 7 months throughout a 12 hour radius of my hometown, I found her in my backyard about 25 minutes away. In the duration of searching, I battled with different types and sizes of campers. Initially, the plan was to pull a smaller camper with my Jeep. Living in a camper full-time with two dogs, I felt the need for one larger than the Jeep could pull. After first contact with Mike about the Airstream, I had no idea it would become my home! She's the first and only Airstream I've ever stepped foot in. I wanted a model from the 80's because that's my birth decade (I'm cheesy for that kind of thing). Also, her birthdate is February 29th, so she's a leap year baby (I'm cheesy for that kind of thing too). Dreaming of an Airstream began while researching camper renovations. I found this picture and fell in love with the soft curvature of the ceiling and walls. I discovered this was the interior style of an Airstream. In addition, who doesn't love the classic silver-bullet polish of an Airstream's exterior?! The dream was to own a studio apartment on wheels. This particular unit is one of an Airstream rental park in Santa Barbara, CA. You should visit the website, it's AMAZING. I can't wait to visit it next month! AUTOCAMP.COM Meet Airy.. My Airstream isn't quite as renovated on the inside, but she's lovely in her own original design. I feel like I'm living at Grandma and Grandpa's! I have already began upgrading the inside, and I have major plans to continue in the future. I'll certainly be sharing those projects as they happen. If you read An Ode to my Comfy Sage Couch, you'll understand that this camper has been my second "adult purchase." I left the bank feeling like Walter White. BancorpSouth probably think's I'm into illegal activity! I immediately drove to meet Mike and swap cash for keys (and the title of course). It's bazaar that this stack of cotton and linen..... ....holds enough value to be traded for this 4,800 lbs of metal. Swapage of one good for another went quickly. Sadly, all I physically took home that day was a set of keys! A long few weeks later, I was able to have the camper in my possession to move in, get the furry creatures acclimated, and start personalizing the space. My little mother gifted my first bit of that with an adorable cover for my camper key! I'm so inspired by this image for travel! I'm already beginning to plan a road trip with my new home for next year. This next decade of life is going to be full of that gypsy life! Why stand still? |