2015 wasn't the kindest year and I'm glad it's over. It will go down as one of the most challenging years thus far. And yet, I'm overwhelmed by those of you who were there to support me and send a kind word. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of growth I have done as a person through the experiences. After looking back at my Notes app from the year, I decided to list a few excerpts in hopes that my experiences will inspire, encourage, or motive you through whatever you may be dealing with. Sometimes it's okay to get vulnerable. My red headed friend taught me that in 2015!
I fear being birthed from the same constellation does not constitute forever.
How do you know love? When you wish with your gut you could feel their pain instead. So they don't have to.
I miss you and I don't even know you.
It's not perfect. It's not supposed to be. Living doesn't equate to happiness. Experiencing life in all of its forms including the most raw, vulnerable, and saddest moments.. that is living. People get too fixated on happiness but it's merely a facet of what life is.
I just had the most amazing dream about you. It's been a while since you've shown up. I missed you, dear friend.
Trying is an act. Acting is pretending. The most real relationships come from not trying, but doing. There's so much pressure to do and say the right thing..the right way. But, we aren't always right. Instead of trying and acting to be right, let's be unapologetic about who we are and build off of that. Be our rawest self living without the fear of losing one another. When you remove the "trying" you have love and acceptance left.
And while you all sleep I'll be above you to see you
Deciding is picking the lesser evils
Most days I suffocate with thoughts. I'm an emotional massachist so I keep myself there.
Can you just come along and make them all disappear?
When reminising, I just want to forget all the BS.
I live for humanity. Real, raw, organic human interaction. Live for people.
I accidentally met you and now I'm ruined
The more my heart is broken the harder it has been to find what I'm searching for.
"Escaping is not the same as making it."
Men base their value on having sex or not. They base women's value on being sexy or not. This reduces the opinion of women to sexual objects.
Waking up is the opposite of dozing off
Mistakes are part of the adventure!
Time is not yours to make, my friend.
Enemies are who you make them in your mind to be.
Growing up sucks.
I woke up this morning and my heart was hurting for anywhere but here.
History and experiences effect your perception.
In that moment, on the brink of turning 28, Swan Song was playing. I leaned over and pet her soft fur. I knew she loved me; she looked at me like she wanted me. And, for the first time, I felt like everything was going to be okay in our lives. -for Hali
"Remember.. your heart is important. Don't judge people, you can't be free if you judge people. Love now! Be aware of love in every moment."
While staring at the reflection of yesterday, I feel grateful for grace and the ability to forgive. Though, at times these things can nearly take a decade, beautiful things can be built beyond broken hearts. Nostalgia warms the soul, deep bonds with tiny fractions of humanity are a privilege to oblige, memories are stories for the future, lessons teach us to evolve and grow. People shouldn't be disposable. If they are, how will we ever learn to love?
Some people just FILL YOUR SOUL. Your heart has to be in your face to understand it.
Sometimes the love in our hearts just runs out. And that's not to say you have no love to give, but the nature of the love is altered. And there's no more passion in it, just a polite concern for a person you once would have died for.
All I have is an apology for the discomfort of today.
When pain turns to memory, let tragedy change you.
NY is the only place I've ever felt normal.
I was called volatile. And I took it as a compliment. Know yourself and own yourself!
"Unfortunately, the reality is that you have to make a choice that will most likely alter your future significantly. That's a lot of pressure. I get it as I am at a crossroad myself. Every day you make a conscious decision to either go one direction or another or, like me, set up a tent and camp out in your indecision. The problem with the latter is that you are constantly fighting the urge to move forward with life. That creates a sense of panic and frustration. There is no real cure other than progression in spite of your fears."
I think we mistake falling-hard for legitimacy. And that's why we find difficulty in detaching.
Disguised memory from a reincarnated existence- maybe that's what deja vu is..
"...If you too have many interests, you are not flighty and noncommittal, you do not have problems with focusing, you are not directionless. You are excited, you are inspired and have passion. You are brilliant."
The moment I knew my heart had been hardened by all they did to me- Protect yourself. Don't give your heart and energy so freely to people. Esp people who don't reciprocate or appreciate.
The air.. this space.. closer to the stars.. is the only place that can get me far away from you. This is where happy lives in me.
Two of the most profound character traits of a good human:
Own your honesty
Keep your word
I should have ran that night. But I was weak the next day. I let you in. And eventually stay. You were a capsule of f***** up.
You're going to be fine, Amber.
She was built from your soul. A piece of you. She will continue to touch people through you. Don't underestimate your ability to impact others as you're still here with us.
"You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that… Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
The thing Tyler taught me: compassion for other people.
Sometimes battles are finished by choice. The darkness within the battle can be suppressed so deeply that even the closest people are unaware. In that moment, fear of living precedes fear of death and prudence does not exist. Though empathy may never come, we mustn't live with ignorance. Ignorance deems it selfish and drowns in anger. Grace sees love surpassing ignorance, teaching solace towards the existence of diabolic warfare in a loved ones mind.
And in some cases you have to learn to love at a distance. Pursue your core.
If you think suicide is selfish, I think you're compassionless and judgmental.
I feel like I was your sole happiness provider. That was a huge load to carry.
If people disappoint you, keep loving them the way that you love. Expecting nothing in return. Learn and accept their ways of love. Especially when it's different.
You're not invincible.
High hopes over here for 2016. Six was always my favorite number anyway! Anything to add? Leave a comment, let's discuss :)
Cheers!
Amber
I fear being birthed from the same constellation does not constitute forever.
How do you know love? When you wish with your gut you could feel their pain instead. So they don't have to.
I miss you and I don't even know you.
It's not perfect. It's not supposed to be. Living doesn't equate to happiness. Experiencing life in all of its forms including the most raw, vulnerable, and saddest moments.. that is living. People get too fixated on happiness but it's merely a facet of what life is.
I just had the most amazing dream about you. It's been a while since you've shown up. I missed you, dear friend.
Trying is an act. Acting is pretending. The most real relationships come from not trying, but doing. There's so much pressure to do and say the right thing..the right way. But, we aren't always right. Instead of trying and acting to be right, let's be unapologetic about who we are and build off of that. Be our rawest self living without the fear of losing one another. When you remove the "trying" you have love and acceptance left.
And while you all sleep I'll be above you to see you
Deciding is picking the lesser evils
Most days I suffocate with thoughts. I'm an emotional massachist so I keep myself there.
Can you just come along and make them all disappear?
When reminising, I just want to forget all the BS.
I live for humanity. Real, raw, organic human interaction. Live for people.
I accidentally met you and now I'm ruined
The more my heart is broken the harder it has been to find what I'm searching for.
"Escaping is not the same as making it."
Men base their value on having sex or not. They base women's value on being sexy or not. This reduces the opinion of women to sexual objects.
Waking up is the opposite of dozing off
Mistakes are part of the adventure!
Time is not yours to make, my friend.
Enemies are who you make them in your mind to be.
Growing up sucks.
I woke up this morning and my heart was hurting for anywhere but here.
History and experiences effect your perception.
In that moment, on the brink of turning 28, Swan Song was playing. I leaned over and pet her soft fur. I knew she loved me; she looked at me like she wanted me. And, for the first time, I felt like everything was going to be okay in our lives. -for Hali
"Remember.. your heart is important. Don't judge people, you can't be free if you judge people. Love now! Be aware of love in every moment."
While staring at the reflection of yesterday, I feel grateful for grace and the ability to forgive. Though, at times these things can nearly take a decade, beautiful things can be built beyond broken hearts. Nostalgia warms the soul, deep bonds with tiny fractions of humanity are a privilege to oblige, memories are stories for the future, lessons teach us to evolve and grow. People shouldn't be disposable. If they are, how will we ever learn to love?
Some people just FILL YOUR SOUL. Your heart has to be in your face to understand it.
Sometimes the love in our hearts just runs out. And that's not to say you have no love to give, but the nature of the love is altered. And there's no more passion in it, just a polite concern for a person you once would have died for.
All I have is an apology for the discomfort of today.
When pain turns to memory, let tragedy change you.
NY is the only place I've ever felt normal.
I was called volatile. And I took it as a compliment. Know yourself and own yourself!
"Unfortunately, the reality is that you have to make a choice that will most likely alter your future significantly. That's a lot of pressure. I get it as I am at a crossroad myself. Every day you make a conscious decision to either go one direction or another or, like me, set up a tent and camp out in your indecision. The problem with the latter is that you are constantly fighting the urge to move forward with life. That creates a sense of panic and frustration. There is no real cure other than progression in spite of your fears."
I think we mistake falling-hard for legitimacy. And that's why we find difficulty in detaching.
Disguised memory from a reincarnated existence- maybe that's what deja vu is..
"...If you too have many interests, you are not flighty and noncommittal, you do not have problems with focusing, you are not directionless. You are excited, you are inspired and have passion. You are brilliant."
The moment I knew my heart had been hardened by all they did to me- Protect yourself. Don't give your heart and energy so freely to people. Esp people who don't reciprocate or appreciate.
The air.. this space.. closer to the stars.. is the only place that can get me far away from you. This is where happy lives in me.
Two of the most profound character traits of a good human:
Own your honesty
Keep your word
I should have ran that night. But I was weak the next day. I let you in. And eventually stay. You were a capsule of f***** up.
You're going to be fine, Amber.
She was built from your soul. A piece of you. She will continue to touch people through you. Don't underestimate your ability to impact others as you're still here with us.
"You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that… Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
The thing Tyler taught me: compassion for other people.
Sometimes battles are finished by choice. The darkness within the battle can be suppressed so deeply that even the closest people are unaware. In that moment, fear of living precedes fear of death and prudence does not exist. Though empathy may never come, we mustn't live with ignorance. Ignorance deems it selfish and drowns in anger. Grace sees love surpassing ignorance, teaching solace towards the existence of diabolic warfare in a loved ones mind.
And in some cases you have to learn to love at a distance. Pursue your core.
If you think suicide is selfish, I think you're compassionless and judgmental.
I feel like I was your sole happiness provider. That was a huge load to carry.
If people disappoint you, keep loving them the way that you love. Expecting nothing in return. Learn and accept their ways of love. Especially when it's different.
You're not invincible.
High hopes over here for 2016. Six was always my favorite number anyway! Anything to add? Leave a comment, let's discuss :)
Cheers!
Amber